Loneliness
By
James Harvey Stout (deceased). This material is now in the public
domain. The complete collection of Mr. Stout's writing is now at
http://stout.mybravenet.com/public_html/h/
>
Jump to the following topics:
- What is loneliness?
- The benefits of
aloneness and loneliness.
- Techniques for
managing loneliness.
What is loneliness? Loneliness
isn't simply the condition of being alone; we can be alone and be
happy. Perhaps loneliness per se doesn't exist; the word
refers to any emotion we feel while alone. Understand the feelings
beneath your loneliness -- perhaps fear, sexual desire,
disappointment, a craving for human touch, a threatened self-esteem,
a sense of social failure, or something else; then you can confront
those problems rather than the vague "loneliness."
The benefits of aloneness
and loneliness.
- Aloneness is a time to be ourselves, with the freedom, dreams,
enjoyments, and casual simplicity that recharge us and return us
to our roots. It's a chance to review and plan, to introspect and
create, to become self-reliant and re-defined. It is an assertion
of our precious identity whenever we have lost ourselves in a
world that is full of people and bustle.
- Loneliness makes our eventual relationships more appreciated
and more intense. Perhaps it is only to the depths that we feel
our ultimate aloneness that we can really be with another person.
After we have reconciled with that extreme, and seen the same
predicament in other people, we might be more compassionate and
helpful when they reach to us, knowing that the gap can never be
closed but that a loving friendship can create a bridge there.
Techniques for
managing loneliness.
- Reject society's insistence that we must be social all of the
time. When alone, be selfish and undisciplined for a while, to
counterbalance the pressure of maintaining your impeccable social
persona. And recreate your world on the undemanding blank canvas
of the silence and stillness.
- Find meaningful activities while alone. In solitude, some
people rattle around nervously, needing someone upon whom to focus
their attention. But this period of time can be, instead, an
opportunity to indulge in the sweet luxury of our hobbies and
special activities. When our attention is absorbed in a private
adventure, we find comfort and a self-generated warmth which
equals that from a companion. In your home, encourage coziness by
adding personal items like momentos, your artwork or handicrafts
-- or anything else that is the psychological equivalent of Linus'
blanket.
- Learn to rely on yourself for more things. Sometimes we seek
from others the things that can best be secured from ourselves;
for example, those who lack self-love seek love compulsively and
hopelessly from strangers. See whether self-respect and
self-acceptance are what you need, independent from the capricious
respect and acceptance that come and go from your social contacts
while satisfying you for a time but always threatening to leave
you dry. And while discovering whether self-love is satisfying,
see whether your need for love can be satisfied also through
devotion to creative arts, a charitable cause, religious
activities, or humanity in general. We all need people, but
perhaps not as much as we might suppose -- for love and our other
needs.
- Take action to make contact. When we decide to end our
aloneness, we need to make the first move rather than waiting for
someone to rescue us, and we must accept the risks and effort that
are required. Action means more than just "going out"; we also
make an effort to gain the skills that are lacking in many lonely
people. These are the learnable skills of conversation,
socializing, and etiquette. And we can develop psychological
qualities that will make us more likeable; those qualities include
self-confidence, happiness, and assertiveness. For the general
skills of dating and friendship, see the books on those subjects
at a library. While taking these actions, know that you can find
friends now; don't wait until you have reached any particular goal
of self-improvement.
- Find the right kind of contact. Loneliness retreats when our
contacts meet our needs; we will be lonely still if (1) those
people want a different level of intensity (and we have
disregarded a potential friend who was, however, not gratifying
our quest for intimacy or marriage), or (2) if we aspire to an
idealized partner (in a world of merely marvelous mortals), or (3)
if we stumble on a different obstacle in the labyrinth of
"relationship". Even when we find people who quench our
loneliness, we can accept gracefully the fact that portions of our
spirit are forever alone.
- Accept the fact that you are ultimately alone. In the process
of maturing, we allow the knowledge that we are individuals; no
one else has our thoughts, feelings, situations, or personal
history. We leave the protective world that our parents provided,
and face our days with only a faraway guidance from them and from
current friends. This step can be so frightening that we spend our
adult lives looking for substitute "parents" to take care of us,
or perhaps we bury our identity into that of a social group (such
as a club, a corporation, or a family of our own) -- or,
contrarily, we might find the step liberating, exciting, and
empowering.