Jump to the following topics:

1. What is etiquette?
2. Etiquette is more than "knowing which fork to use." 
3. Introductions. 
4. Correspondence.  
5. Restaurant etiquette.  
6. Tipping.  
7. Invitations.  
8. Nightclubs and dancing.  
9. The theater.  
10. Dining.  

What is etiquette? It is an expression of respect; you believe that the other person has dignity and deserves to be treated well. It expresses thoughtfulness; you care about the feelings and needs of the person. It expresses kindness; you want the person to be comfortable. Those who do it well make it seem natural and unobtrusive, though much of it is not instinctive; it has to be learned and practiced.

Etiquette is more than "knowing which fork to use." It includes every realm of interaction, and virtually all of it has a rationale. Etiquette is appreciated whenever you are with another person, even at home. Use your judgment in choosing which rules to follow in a situation; a particular action might be appropriate in a sophisticated group, but it would seem pretentious in a casual gathering.

Introductions.

1. The format. When introducing one person to another, a useful format is "Jane Peterson, I would like you to meet Bob Jacobs." To show respect in an introduction, the first person (Jane Peterson in this example) should be the older person, or the person whom you know better, or the person who has more prestige, or the woman (when the other person is a man).
2. The names. Use the first and last name: "William Stone." Use the name that the person wants to be known by: "Mr. Stone" or "William Stone" or "Bill Stone."
3. Remembering the name. If you have forgotten the name of someone to whom you have been introduced, don't be embarrassed; it happens to everyone. And when someone forgets your name, don't embarrass him or her by saying, "You don't remember me, do you?" To remember a name more easily, repeat it back: "Hello, Brad. I'm glad to meet you."
4. Add information to your introduction. Tell something about the person, preferably a common interest: "Mary Stevens, I'd like you to meet Barry Adams, my cousin. Barry has enjoyed your paintings in the gallery." Because many people do not want to talk about their job in a social situation, don't mention the occupation: "... Barry Adams, who is a computer programmer."
5. Introducing yourself. Give your name first before asking for the other person's name: "I'm William Stone. What's your name?" (This allows you to learn the person's name without seeming to invade his or her privacy.) When seated at a table, introduce yourself to the people who are sitting next to you.

Correspondence.

1. Stationery. For formal correspondence, stationery should have these features: a conservative color (white, gray, or cream), high-quality paper, plain edges, your name and address centered at the top in black or dark blue, and a larger size than that of informal letters. The envelopes should also be high-quality and conservatively colored.
2. Handwriting or typewriting or greeting cards? Use handwriting rather than typewriting for personal letters and love letters; it is more intimate. If you send a greeting card to express a sentiment, add a handwritten note to personalize it. For a letter of condolence, don't use a greeting card; a handwritten message would be more effective in expressing your feelings.
3. Other suggestions. To give a "thank-you" message, use a note rather than a telephone call, so you won't interrupt the person's home-life. Don't complain about the length of time that has passed since you last heard from the person. During the December holiday season, if you don't know a person's religious affiliation, send a secular "Season's Greetings" card.

Restaurant etiquette. (Guidelines vary from one restaurant to another.)

1. Reservations. Some restaurants require you to call one or two days in advance; others need a week or more. When you call, give this information: the time and date when you will arrive, the number of people, the desired section of the restaurant, and the last name of one person in the party. If you will be late (or if you cancel your plans), contact the restaurant; without a phone call, your reservation will be held for 15 to 30 minutes. If you have no reservation, you may give money to the maitre d' unobtrusively and then wait at the bar.
2. Seating. If you arrive before the rest of your group, you may wait at the bar for the others; but if you think that there won't be any tables left, take a table and ask the waiter to bring the other people to you when they arrive. If the waiter leads you to a table that you don't like, you may request another. The host should sit where he can get the waiter's attention.
3. Ordering. If you have been to this restaurant previously, you may recommend particular choices to the other people. If you aren't the person who is paying, select a meal that is not too expensive (out of consideration) or too frugal (so the host won't appear to be cheap). In contemporary society, a woman may order for herself.
4. Paying the bill. Request the bill only after all of your guests have completed their meal. It is acceptable to check the math on the bill. If you pay with a credit card, indicate a tip for both the waiter and the captain. If you are splitting the cost, get individual bills unless your party includes four or more people; when everyone is on the same bill, let them all pay the same amount except if some meals were much more expensive than others.

Tipping.

1. In a restaurant. The following people are entitled to tips: the waiter (15%), the wine steward (10% of the wine cost), the maitre d' ($5 - optional), the owner (nothing), the headwaiter (up to $5 if he did more than just lead you to your table). A huge tip is a sign of insecurity and exhibitionism. If the service is inferior, give the waiter a small tip or nothing -- but if only the food is bad (and the service is acceptable), don't penalize the innocent waiter with a smaller tip.
2. At a hotel or motel. Give tips to the following people: the bellperson ($1 per bag and another $1 for leading you into the room), the maid ($1 per day, or $5 to $10 per week), the doorman ($1 for removing your bags from the car, and $1 for calling a cab), room service (15% of the bill, in addition to any service charge).
3. A taxi. Give a 15% tip -- or 20% if the driver helps with your luggage.
4. Other situations. Use these guidelines for tipping: bartenders (15%), coat check (50 cents per coat, or $1 if there is only one coat), valet parking ($1), limousine (15%), hair stylist or barber (15%, plus $1 to a manicurist or shampooer), porter for an airport or train station ($1 per bag), washroom attendant (50 cents).

Invitations. As with other sections of this chapter, some of these guideliness vary from one social group to another; decide which ones apply to yours.

1. Sending the invitations. Send them three weeks in advance for formal parties. For informal parties, send two weeks in advance; you may use fill-in cards (in which you write in the date, time, etc.). You might include a map to your home.
2. Asking for an RSVP. If people don't respond, call them a week before the party.
3. Responding to an invitation. Answer promptly by phone. If you aren't certain whether you can attend, don't say merely, "I'll contact you later"; explain the delay ("I may be out of town") and tell the hostess a date when you'll have a definite answer. On an invitation, "regrets only" means that you should contact the hostess only if you won't be there. Don't ask whether you can bring a guest unless it is an informal gathering -- and if you weren't invited, don't invite yourself.
4. Turning down an invitation. Give a reason why you can't attend. If you change your mind later, don't call to re-invite yourself. Don't attend someone else's party for the same night after refusing this invitation.
5. Paybacks. You are expected to reciprocate whenever you are invited to a party or dinner, so don't go to someone's event if you wouldn't want that person at yours. And you need to do a payback even if you turn down the person's invitation. Paybacks should be "in kind"; if you attend small, intimate dinner parties all year, you can't counter by inviting those people to one big party.

Nightclubs and dancing. At a party, each man should dance with the hostess once to show gratitude for her invitation. At a nightclub, the men should dance at least once with every woman at the table. Reserve the first and last dance for your date -- except at a dinner dance, when the first dance belongs to the person sitting next to you.

The theater. Arrive 10 minutes early, so you can get comfortable before the show starts; if you are late, stand at the back until the first scene is over. At the end, don't leave until the house lights come on.

Dining. Meals involve many rules, including guidelines for eating particular types of food (like spaghetti or lobster). Below are some of the basics.

1. Seating. Traditionally, the host sits at the head of the table, and the guest of honor is to the right of the host or hostess. The host and hostess are at opposite ends of the table. Sit only after the hostess has done so.
2. When to start eating. Wait to see whether anyone is going to say grace; if so, say "Amen" at the end of it. Pick up your utensils only after the hostess has picked up hers. If this is a small party, wait for everyone to be served; in a larger group, you may start to eat after several people have been served (even if the hostess has not told you to begin).
3. Problems during the meal.  
   • Spoiled or scalding food: Discretely spit it onto your fingers or fork (not your napkin) and lay it onto your plate.
   • Foreign objects (hair, stones, bugs) in the food: If it is not too repulsive, remove it and continue your meal; if you don't want to eat that food, leave it there, but don't embarrass the hostess by telling her about the incident. If this happens in a restaurant, you may ask the waiter to bring a new serving of the food.
   • Spilled food or beverages: At a restaurant, ask the waiter to clean it up. At a private dinner, pick up solid foods from the table with a clean utensil and a moist napkin, and soak up beverages with a cloth (supplied by the hostess, who will probably help you with the task).
4. Napkins. Put the napkin onto your lap (not tucked in) after the hostess has picked up hers; at an informal party, you needn't wait for her to do so. When using the napkin, gently the pat the lips with it; don't smear it across your mouth. Don't sneeze into it, or spit inedible food into it.
5. Beverages. Never drink while food is in your mouth. After stirring, use your lips to clean off the spoon and put its bowl, face down, on the edge of a plate. If tea or coffee splash into your saucer, get a clean saucer; if a replacement isn't available, pour from the saucer into the cup and dry the cup's bottom with your napkin.
6. Silverware. Which fork should you use? Begin with the one that is farthest to the left (and the spoon that is farthest to the right), unless the hostess has put the utensils into the wrong position. It's all right to eat European-style with the left hand raising to the food to your mouth.
7. The end of the meal. You don't have to eat all of the food on your plate. When you have finished eating, let the plate stay in its position; don't push it away.
8. Other guidelines ("don'ts"). Don't salt your food before sampling it; this is an affront to the cook. Don't request "seconds" at a formal meal. Don't take a mouthful of food before swallowing the last one. Don't put a large amount of food into your mouth at one time. Don't cut up all of the food at once. Don't put your forearms on the table; hands and wrists are acceptable (but are better left in your lap). Don't combine the foods in your plate; keep them separate. Don't ignore the people sitting on either side of you; speak to them at least once. Don't slouch or play with your hair or face.